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Ian's Remix to Ksaun's Narrative

Page history last edited by PBworks 16 years, 4 months ago

It was a quiet night, the sounds of grasshoppers chirping outside of my window with a cool breeze pushing my curtains open and circulating around the rather pink room. The sun was setting in the distance, daylight's playtime has almost expired. Then the sound of flesh hitting pavement permeated the silence. When the shower of droplets of blood and debris finally cleared a chilling prophecy rang out, "Finish Him!"


Inside a quaint little house was a girl, she was young, about the age of six. Sitting in her room, she gripped a flat plastic and wired object. What was it? Was it a Barbie brush? A fake makeup kit? No, it was a controller to her Nintendo gaming system that she loved and adored. At this very moment, she was beating her father up in Mortal Kombat. Yes, that's right, this wasn't an ordinary and cliché little girl, this was a born and raised gamer. At this time in her life, she lived and breathed anything she could get her hands on. From Duck Hunt to the ever so popular Mario, she played, beat and then played again to unlock and find every secret she could. This wasn't the age of technology, there were walk-throughs, but not that she knew of. She honed her own skills with the encouragement of her mother.


Grinning after defeating her father, she raised her hands in the air and screamed with glee. She was his hardest opponent. They were always neck and neck, Mortal Kombat was his prided game. Similar to the game 'King of the mountain', that's how he was with this. After being defeated, she gently tossed the controller and rolled his eyes at her apparent victory dance. Speaking with a sarcastic tone he looked to her general direction,

"kid, you got lucky. For all you knew I was just going easy on you." Hearing those words, those fated words she crossed her arms and retaliated to his weak defense " you're just mad because a girl beat you!"

Laughing, he shrugged off the little one's comment "kid, come back to me when you learn how to block and not just swing. I could have annihilated you, but I let you have your fun. It's time for bed now, put the controller down and come get in bed." Huffing at his critique on her performance, she stuffed the controllers into a box and pushed the system under her bed. She stood up, and made her way to her cozy, soft and plush bed. "Just you wait dad, some day I'll beat you and not even let you land a hit on me". Smirking, she reached up and gave him a tight squeeze. "Good Night Sweetie, we'll see about that." He stood up and turned around to walk out. Flipping off the switch as he reached the doorway, he shut it slowly and softly and she went into her deep, trance-like sleep.


That fated battle never occurred though. Even now the young woman looking back on her childhood shrugs it off as nothing but a jaded memory. The father and mother got divorced, and she lived and solely spent her time with her mother.


(How is this looking? I plan on taking this off of my life and in a more general direction. It opens more doors if I base it on something more. I can't indent on Wiki, it just ends up creating quoting if you space it twice at the beginning of a new paragraph.)


I really like it, especially when you ask the reader a question. Questions always direct the readers attention rather well. I "remixed" your opening paragraph to aid you with grabbing the readers attention, serving your work well before you direct there attention by asking the afore mentioned question. Take it or leave it, just a thought.


Ian's Page

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